


Wedding Bells

by nuclearpolymer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M, Secret Snarry Swap 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-08 19:31:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12871464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuclearpolymer/pseuds/nuclearpolymer
Summary: There would be no garter toss, no satin butt-bows, and no pink balloons printed with hearts and doves sneaking in on his watch.





	Wedding Bells

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to G for the beta and encouragement.
> 
> Prompt 40 from tjs_whatnot: Through some madcap hi-jinks, Harry and Snape are put in charge of planning Hermione and Ron's wedding. Shenanigans ensue.

"Bridal shower? What bridal shower!" Hermione just wanted to finish grading the third-years' Muggle Studies essays about Shakespeare's portrayal of magic this weekend, and she already had to make a trip to Diagon Alley for yet another fitting. Apparently bridal wedding robes were so much more complicated than student (or faculty) robes that getting them properly adjusted had required three fitting sessions over the last six months.

Ginny and Fleur exchanged guilty looks, and Hermione blew her fringe in exasperation. "Please don't tell me you've planned another surprise party," Hermione warned.

"I know you didn't really appreciate that surprise birthday party a couple years ago," Ginny said. "That's why we decided to tell you first, and just ask you to act surprised at the pub, where we'll take you out for a few drinks with your future sisters-in-law."

"To welcome you to our leetle society," agreed Fleur, who had gone from being Ginny's least favorite sister-in-law candidate to her BFF over the last ten years.

Hermione shook her head. "Oh no, I'm not playing along on this one." One look at the dangerous glint in Fleur's eye, and the resolute set of Ginny's chin, and Hermione realized that these women were prepared to drag her to her own bridal shower in a full-body bind. Hermione quickly considered the best hiding places at Hogwarts. Even if Ginny had borrowed Harry's map, the Room of Requirement should be safe. "Okay, okay, fine. Just let me get my handbag."

While the other women huddled together to whisper about last minute plans, Hermione stepped into her bedroom where she quietly Floo'd to Flitwick's office, blurted out a quick apology as she rushed out his door, and dashed to the third-floor corridor. "I need to go somewhere they'll never look," she muttered, walking back and forth. The doorknob turned, and she scooted in and slammed the door.

Looking around, Hermione recognized the elaborate distillation equipment and specialty cauldrons as belonging to a master potion brewer. _I wonder what this is for._ Did the room decide that she needed to brew some kind of wedding related Calming Draught to force-feed her friends? Molly had been threatening to just take over the wedding plans altogether, Ron kept coming up with fancier and tackier ideas for the venue, and even Percy had got pushy about the topic of floral arrangements.

"Ms. Granger. Why have you sneaked into my laboratory? Explain yourself." Hermione couldn't believe her ears. Severus's voice would never be quite the same after Nagini's attack, but hearing it always brought her back to her schoolgirl days.

"The Room of Requirement never made me hallucinate people before," Hermione said. "I'm not sure if I should talk out loud to you like you're a real person or if this whole conversation is inside my head."

"I can assure you that if anyone is a hallucination here, that person would be you and not me. I don't know where you thought you were going, but you've ended up in my private laboratory. Kindly be on your way as soon as possible, and I shall endeavor to forgive your intrusion."

Hermione realized that Severus's private laboratory was indeed a place that Ginny and Fleur would never think to look for her. "Wait, Severus, could you possibly let me hide out with you for the rest of the evening?" she pleaded. "Otherwise, I'll be forced to play ridiculous bridal shower games while arguing about how these traditions enforce a damaging heteronormative and sexist socio-cultural narrative. I’ll probably also have to listen to stories that I will never be able to unhear about the sexual prowess of Arthur Weasley."

Severus nodded. "That does sound like an extremely undesirable combination of activities. I'm surprised the brightest witch of her age is having so much trouble. I certainly don't find it particularly difficult to turn down any such ridiculous requests."

"That's a brilliant idea!" Hermione said excitedly. "If you were my wedding planner, you could fend off anyone who tries to butt in. Since they're not your friends or soon-to-be relatives, you could hand out insults with complete impunity. Name your price."

Severus tapped his fingers together. He knew that she knew that he desperately wanted something that only she could provide. Playing wedding planner would involve a certain amount of inconvenience, but he was sure it would be worth it to finally get this from her. "I will admit that I have much more experience insulting your loved ones than you do, and that I've rather missed indulging in that little hobby since I left Hogwarts. Let me study your notes from THAT experiment for just three hours. I will never write any of it down, and I swear to never divulge the information to another sentient being."

Hermione Accio'd the notes in question out of her bag. This information was too important to destroy, but too dangerous to publish, and she was certain that Severus would use the knowledge responsibly. "I'll give you five hours. If I go back to Hogwarts too early, I'm afraid the party might have moved there to wait for me. Plus, you don’t know the depths of wedding mania involved. I don't want to hear any complaints later about how you got the short end of the stick in our bargain."

* * *

Harry tried to check his watch without being too obvious. Ron had been in the jewelry shop for over an hour and seemed no closer to deciding on wedding rings than he'd been the week before, or the week before that. "Err, Ron? Was there something wrong with the ones Hermione already picked out?" Harry ventured. 

"Bill says never believe it when a woman tell you not to spend too much on jewelry," Ron said. "I already skipped the engagement ring because Hermione kept going on about blood diamonds and manufactured scarcity. Don't want to look like I can't afford to get her something nice. Do you think she'd like it if the rings had a vine like her wand?"

Suddenly, the air was filled with an explosion of white feathers and purple glitter. A naked man darted up to the counter, shoved Ron out of the way, and grabbed an elaborate topaz necklace. Harry's wand was out before he knew it, and he sent an assortment of jinxes at the thief. Security goblins quickly immobilized the intruder with glee, but before they could haul the man away, two Healers from St. Mungo's appeared. "Apologies! Our patient is not a well man and cannot be held responsible for his actions today. We'll keep a closer eye on him in the future. Sorry for any inconvenience."

The goblins muttered but didn't stop the Healers from throwing a robe over the man and taking him away. Harry helped Ron up off the floor, as the proprietor started cleaning up the feathers and glitter. "Oh no. Are you alright, Ma’am?" he asked a customer who was still sitting dazed on the floor.

"Your wares are overpriced, and your sales are just gimmicks," she retorted. "Your comb-over does nothing to distract from your receding hairline, and you have sardine breath." The witch looked horrified at her own words and clapped her hands over her mouth. "Help! I've been cursed!"

"Blimey, Harry. I think one of your jinxes bounced off a mirror and got refracted through that big topaz," Ron said, with a grin. "George told me some funny things can happen when spells get refocused by gemstones, but I've never seen it turn out like this."

The witch looked over at Ron. "You're not going to fit into your wedding suit unless you stop taking third helpings of your mum's puddings. And if you don't stop rolling your eyes when your fiancée talks about Muggle politics, she's going to find someone more sympathetic to talk to at night." Ron stopped smiling.

"I'm going to lose my job!" she moaned. "I'm an event manager at the Crane Estate. Can you imagine me directing a wedding party when I can't stop insulting the guests?" She looked at Harry. "You'd best make sure that you wouldn't rather be with a man, before you muck up some poor gal’s life." The witch, looking increasingly desperate, stuffed her scarf into her mouth.

"I'll take you to St. Mungo's," Harry said, ignoring her last pronouncement. "Ron, please just get the rings. I'll see you later." _Why did these things always seem to happen to me?_

* * *

Severus downed another headache potion. Hermione had not exaggerated the extent to which wedding mania had gripped the members of the extended Weasley clan. Bill and Fleur's wedding had been planned in haste, as Molly and Arthur's own wedding had been, with the threat of war shadowing the celebration. Ron and Hermione's upcoming wedding gave everyone a chance to indulge their secret love of showy and romantic nonsense. But Severus was a man with a mission, and he would hold firm against the storm, no matter what it took to protect Hermione and Ron's wedding from the zealous, insidious forces of tackiness. There would be no garter toss, no satin butt-bows, and no pink balloons printed with hearts and doves sneaking in on his watch.

His floo lit up. "I'm sure it's not going to be a big problem," Hermione began, "but the Crane Estate needs you to get in touch with their new event coordinator. Apparently Mrs. Wilcox had a bit of an accident shopping, and they've had to bring in a substitute for the rest of the weddings this season."

"Very well. I've already finished speaking to the missing RSVPs, and those who planned to bring along extra guests, and sorted out the food allergies from the fad diets. So I expected it was time for some new crisis." Severus consulted his notes. "The cake and catering are all set, so whoever this new event coordinator turns out to be, surely their incompetence can be mitigated."

Severus rued his optimistic words as soon as he arrived at the Crane Estate to finalize the event logistics. "Mr. Potter. I didn't realize that the best man was needed for today's meeting."

"Professor Snape? What are you doing here? I'm helping out until St. Mungo's can get Mrs. Wilcox's Blurting Jinx under control."

"That's preposterous! Unless there was a topaz involved, nearly all Blurting Jinxes can be dispersed within days. And who made you the temporary event coordinator?"

"We were in this jewelry shop, and all the feathers threw off my aim, so I must have hit Mrs. Wilcox instead of the naked guy, and I couldn't just let them replace her permanently while she's still in hospital..."

"Potter, why do these kinds of things always happen to you?"

Their conversation was interrupted by a large barn owl, who dropped a letter on Harry's head and swooped away, as if avoiding any chance of being given a reply. Opening the letter, Harry swore. "The caterer's house elves are on strike, and their main demand is that they refuse to cook for any more weddings. Guess that request for vegan paleo nut-free cake was the last straw."

Severus considered their options. "Molly will volunteer to cook, but I think Hermione would prefer that dinner not be casseroles. Due to the house-elves' solidarity movement, it's unlikely the Hogwarts elves would cross a picket line. Maybe a local Muggle caterer has a last minute opening."

They both jumped as a candelabra crashed to the floor, accompanied by shrieks of laughter. "Crap. I haven't been able to win over the Crane poltergeist," Harry said. "He's been throwing dishes and making champagne corks pop off."

"Then perhaps I should have a talk with him, while you start calling caterers."

* * *

Harry didn't know what Severus had said to the poltergeist but was grateful to have no more crashing dishes or toppling candles. The catering issue was not so easily solved. No established caterers were available, and they'd had to go with Luna Lovegood, who had just launched a combination pop-up restaurant and exotic pet-sitting business. Neither Hermione, Ron, nor anyone else was thrilled with that solution, but Harry was still surprised to find Hermione in tears the day before the wedding.

"I really don't think people will mind if the food's a bit unusual," Harry ventured.

"No one will remember the food because they'll all be laughing about my dress. It's a complete disaster."

"You've gone to a bunch of fittings. Didn't they get it right?"

"It was perfect, until last night. I must have some kind of doxy infestation, and they bit every single bead and sequin off the dress. Then Crookshanks tried to chase away the doxies, and shredded the skirt off the bodice. There's no way I can get it repaired in time, or shop for a replacement. And, there are about a dozen out-of-town relatives at the Burrow who wanted to spend some quality time with me before the wedding who now think I've turned into Bridezilla!"

"Hermione, look. Just leave me a couple hairs, and I'll go shopping for you." At her slightly doubtful look over his tatty trainers and worn robes, Harry sighed. "Okay, I know. I'll get Severus, and both of us will go shopping for you. I'd need him for the Polyjuice, anyhow."

* * *

An hour later, the two men huddled in the parking lot of David's Bridal Warehouse. "This will be the most efficient way to try on as many dresses as we can in an hour," Severus said, for the third time, as he dropped a hair into each of the two steaming vials.

"You don't have to convince me, you know," Harry pointed out. "Cheers!"

They eyed each other awkwardly and walked into the showroom. An enthusiastic woman with an elaborate silver hairdo greeted them immediately. "Ladies! My gosh, I always thought it would be so fun to have a twin sister. So, which of you is getting married?"

"Both of us!" Harry blurted out, in Hermione's voice, surprising himself.

"We need to find the right dress fast," Severus added. "But we only need one. We're going to take turns." 

The saleswoman was too professional to bat an eye. "Why don't you tell me the look you're going for, and we'll bring out some dresses for you to try on. I'll get your measurements." As an assistant was quickly dispatched to bring back a rack full of dresses, the saleswoman made Harry and Severus strip down and put on some elastic shapewear. "So tell me about the lucky fellows you're marrying."

Harry first tried to picture Ron but failed to muster up any enthusiasm to gush about his best mate. His wild thoughts turned to Severus instead. "He's a bit older, with very precise hands," he giggled. "Tall and dark, looks sharp wearing black." Harry quickly threw on a strapless sheath gown, trying not to blush.

Severus shook his head. "That one's too modern. We want something rather more traditional, but not too princess-y." He stepped into a dress with a full tulle skirt and train.

"And what about your groom?" asked the saleswoman, shaking out the train behind Severus. "Have you known each other long?"

"Since he was young enough to be more interested in chocolate candies than romance," Severus said. "Though to be honest, he's more earnest than romantic, even now."

"When did you know he was the one for you, dearie?"

Severus snorted, but it sounded much more ladylike coming from Hermione's nose. "I'm not entirely sure. He's the sort of person who grows on you."

"I guess it was when I saw how he'd do anything for a friend, and would keep a promise no matter what," Harry said, looking everywhere but at Severus.

Forty minutes later, they'd tried on two dozen dresses and found one that Severus didn't hate. Luckily, it was also close enough to the right size that Severus was sure he could adjust it using a resizing spell without ruining any of the embroidery. With five minutes to spare, they got out of the shop with Hermione's new dress, a strapless bra, and a sparkly hair comb. 

"Potter, I've already added an anti-pest charm, but when you deliver this, you'd best put a password on the wardrobe to keep Crookshanks out of trouble." He didn't look at Harry as he handed off the bags. "Our rather absurd joint nuptial mission will be complete in less than thirty hours."

"Would you call me Harry?" 

"I believe that once one has been wedding dress shopping with a person, there is no reason not to be on a first-name basis. I will see you tomorrow, Harry." Severus Disapparated before Harry could reply.

* * *

As the guests began to arrive, Harry noticed a growing commotion. "I won't leave until I hear it from her own lips," a man shouted at Bill Weasley, who was trying to quiet him down. Harry stepped close and cast a quick Muffliato. 

"What's the matter?" Harry asked. Bill and Charlie had each grabbed the man by a shoulder, as he got increasingly agitated.

"Secret admirer," said Charlie. "He's been reading all of Hermione's letters to the editor and is convinced that he's her soulmate."

"I cannot allow this farce of a wedding to continue," the man gasped, as he struggled to get away. "I must speak to her before she throws her life away."

Harry looked the man in the eye, and held out his hand, speaking slowly. "I'm Harry. You can come with me to the drawing room." The man reiterated the key points from several of Hermione's letters as Harry escorted him through a back hallway away from the guests. "Mrs. Wilcox? Thanks for coming by to advise me today. I've got a visitor who needs some straight talk and wondered if you could keep him company for a bit?" Harry made his escape as Mrs. Wilcox sat the man down for some tea and unvarnished truths. The Healers had made quite a bit of progress on lifting the Blurting Jinx, so the witch was able to hold her tongue for a few hours at a time, but the extra tension of a wedding still set off intense episodes of blurting.

Harry got back to the pavilion in plenty of time to take his place standing next to Ron. As the music swelled, Hermione walked in, looking delighted in her last-minute dress. Harry watched his two best friends clasp hands and make their vows, looking at each other as if nothing else in the world mattered. He wondered if someone would ever look at him that way, but distracted himself from falling into a gloomy mood by concentrating on the task at hand. He still had to make sure the rest of the wedding festivities went smoothly.

Although no one seemed too excited about Luna's gurdyroot sorbet, the rest of the appetizers were a hit, and the guests mingled happily. Ginny gave a lively toast, then Harry managed to get through his short prepared speech without embarrassing himself. As the cake was being brought in, Severus noticed that it seemed entirely the wrong shape. He'd ordered a three-tiered vanilla cake, and then Hermione had owled to change the icing and decorations, and then Ron had sent in a change of flavors, and then Molly had worried that they might need a larger cake. Had she really changed it to such a gigantic confection?

Hermione and Ron stood behind the cake, ready to cut the first slice. Suddenly, the top of the cake flew off, and a naked man jumped out, in a blizzard of white feathers and purple glitter. Harry froze, afraid to accidentally jinx any of the guests, but Severus immediately pointed his wand and strategically covered the man with whipped cream. The Weasley clan leaped into action, and distracted the guests by starting a conga line on the dance floor. 

After the Healers had escorted the man back to St. Mungo's, and Severus had located the real wedding cake, Harry remembered that he'd left Mrs. Wilcox babysitting Hermione's secret admirer. He grabbed two plates of cake and headed to the drawing room, only to find that Mrs. Wilcox's analysis of the man's psychological shortcomings had sent him fleeing the premises hours ago.

"Thank you for the cake, Mr. Potter. And it was kind of you to cover for me during my recovery."

"I'm just glad I could try to make things up to you, Mrs. Wilcox. I should never have fired off so many spells without checking for other people in the shop."

"Now, did you finally get up the gumption to speak to that fellow you've been thinking about so long? Most men are not mindreaders, you know, and have trouble taking a hint. You should make a move, before he writes you off as not being interested."

"We've had a chance to work together a little, and I think I've said enough that he should know I'm interested," Harry admitted. "But I haven't directly asked."

"No time like the present. Weddings can make single people feel lonely, so he might be receptive to your attention, if you catch him at the right time. You go ask him to dance right now, young man."

Harry found Severus carefully charming a piece of cake so that Ron and Hermione could share it on their first anniversary. He did look a little pensive but not too forbidding. "Prof--err, Severus. Would you, umm. Doyouwanna dancewithme?"

"You're more eloquent when you've been Polyjuiced into Hermione," Severus said with a hint of a smile around his eyes. "Yes, Harry."

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment here or at [Livejournal](https://snape-potter.livejournal.com/3774324.html), [Insanejournal](http://asylums.insanejournal.com/snape_potter/1709278.html), or [Dreamwidth](https://snape-potter.dreamwidth.org/1020403.html).


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